My Thoughts as Christmas is Nearing and the Year Comes to An End
When I left this morning to get breakfast, it was frigid outside. Frost hung from my car. I poured water to clear my windshield, opting not for Pelham tap water, but instead Dasani raspberry flavored from a bottle in the refrigerator. It's my way of doing a part to conserve. Along with this cold comes Christmas too. It's nearing fast, and like Dad I'm not ready (and I don't want fruitcake either).
Cell phones are also popular presents. There are 3.3 billion cell phone accounts, about one phone for every two people in the world. Personally, I don't have a cell phone, and nor do I want one. Being old fashioned, I prefer yelling.
Now that Mitt Romney delivered a speech saying it's O.K. to elect a Mormon as president, a counter to Huckabee's rise among Christians, the debate over religion and the presidency is only heating up. Osama Bin Laden, a Muslim, announced the formation of an exploratory committee to determine the viability of his running for president. The decision ends weeks of speculation by political pundits that he would put terrorism behind him and enter mainstream politics. He aims to run as the only "End the War in Iraq" candidate by capitalizing on the unwillingness of any major Republican or Democrat to oppose the war. Although single issue candidates are rarely successful, Bin Laden supporters believe America's sentiment against the war could help an Osama Bin Laden for President campaign, provided he overcomes his image as a mass murderer and backward cave dweller. The only question is with which party will he seek a nomination. On the one hand, his war mongering policies and killing of innocent civilians makes him attractive as a Republican, while his cave dwelling, low carbon emission lifestyle appeals to the pro-environment Democratic base. Either way, it certainly will be interesting to see how well Bin Laden does.
In other political news, who can forget that July 8 when Sen. Edward Kennedy was speaking on the Senate floor, and his head exploded, a culmination of his head's growing steadily bigger since at least the 1960's. If only his head had exploded a day earlier, I would have won $40 from my friends from our pool on what week his head would finally go bust. Thankfully, however, Sen. Kennedy was able to keep talking and finish his speech.
This has been a big year for celebrities too. They all went to jail or rehab at least once. For Halloween this year, I wanted to dress up as a celebrity, but couldn't decide which of my favorites to be. At first I wanted to be Michael Vick, then Lindsay Lohan, but then as Halloween approached and it was getting colder, I started wearing my pair of black gloves. That gave me the idea of trick-or-treating as O.J. Simpson. I still couldn't really decide though. So, I slapped on an electronic ankle bracelet and stayed home on Halloween, figuring that to be a good compromise.
Bob Barker left The Price is Right. I'm still sad about that. Every time I pet my cats though, I mutter under my breath a quiet thanks for reminding me to spay or neuter my pets.
Many people have been asking me what my New Year's resolution will be. After much pondering, I have decided that in 2008 I will start my own Internet search engine. It has long been known that the amount of useless drivel on the Internet is increasing exponentially on a daily basis. There is so much information written by people who have no idea what they are talking about that I decided we need a thorough search engine, similar to Google, to harness it all. That way, people will have a fast and reliable source to find stupid stuff that is as inaccurate as what we've come to expect from the Internet. As we all know, it is so difficult nowadays to find sites with worthless opinions on important subjects and that are a waste of our time. With my search engine, however, it will be possible for people not only to get things wrong by their own ignorance, superstition, and prejudice, but also to get things wrong by believing information posted on the Internet by people who are also idiots, thereby further increasing the amount unverifiable and pointless nonsense populating the world.
Cell phones are also popular presents. There are 3.3 billion cell phone accounts, about one phone for every two people in the world. Personally, I don't have a cell phone, and nor do I want one. Being old fashioned, I prefer yelling.
Now that Mitt Romney delivered a speech saying it's O.K. to elect a Mormon as president, a counter to Huckabee's rise among Christians, the debate over religion and the presidency is only heating up. Osama Bin Laden, a Muslim, announced the formation of an exploratory committee to determine the viability of his running for president. The decision ends weeks of speculation by political pundits that he would put terrorism behind him and enter mainstream politics. He aims to run as the only "End the War in Iraq" candidate by capitalizing on the unwillingness of any major Republican or Democrat to oppose the war. Although single issue candidates are rarely successful, Bin Laden supporters believe America's sentiment against the war could help an Osama Bin Laden for President campaign, provided he overcomes his image as a mass murderer and backward cave dweller. The only question is with which party will he seek a nomination. On the one hand, his war mongering policies and killing of innocent civilians makes him attractive as a Republican, while his cave dwelling, low carbon emission lifestyle appeals to the pro-environment Democratic base. Either way, it certainly will be interesting to see how well Bin Laden does.
In other political news, who can forget that July 8 when Sen. Edward Kennedy was speaking on the Senate floor, and his head exploded, a culmination of his head's growing steadily bigger since at least the 1960's. If only his head had exploded a day earlier, I would have won $40 from my friends from our pool on what week his head would finally go bust. Thankfully, however, Sen. Kennedy was able to keep talking and finish his speech.
This has been a big year for celebrities too. They all went to jail or rehab at least once. For Halloween this year, I wanted to dress up as a celebrity, but couldn't decide which of my favorites to be. At first I wanted to be Michael Vick, then Lindsay Lohan, but then as Halloween approached and it was getting colder, I started wearing my pair of black gloves. That gave me the idea of trick-or-treating as O.J. Simpson. I still couldn't really decide though. So, I slapped on an electronic ankle bracelet and stayed home on Halloween, figuring that to be a good compromise.
Bob Barker left The Price is Right. I'm still sad about that. Every time I pet my cats though, I mutter under my breath a quiet thanks for reminding me to spay or neuter my pets.
Many people have been asking me what my New Year's resolution will be. After much pondering, I have decided that in 2008 I will start my own Internet search engine. It has long been known that the amount of useless drivel on the Internet is increasing exponentially on a daily basis. There is so much information written by people who have no idea what they are talking about that I decided we need a thorough search engine, similar to Google, to harness it all. That way, people will have a fast and reliable source to find stupid stuff that is as inaccurate as what we've come to expect from the Internet. As we all know, it is so difficult nowadays to find sites with worthless opinions on important subjects and that are a waste of our time. With my search engine, however, it will be possible for people not only to get things wrong by their own ignorance, superstition, and prejudice, but also to get things wrong by believing information posted on the Internet by people who are also idiots, thereby further increasing the amount unverifiable and pointless nonsense populating the world.
posted by Anonymous at 9:59 AM
1 Comments:
Oddly, this made a lot of sense to me. I love Benadryl.
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