Evidence that I might be suffering from some sort of neurotic disorder, in which case an intervention by my friends may be necessary.
1) Whenever I eat Chinese food, I spend the entire meal comtemplating what my fortune cookie says. I always hope for long life, riches, or celebrity, but always get some vague rubbish like, "You will find what you search for is already in your hand."
2) All the food in my cabinets and refrigerator is positioned in straight lines with the labels facing outward. It takes longer to create this order than it does to buy the actual groceries.
3) I dream about the girl whose voice provides the message on my answering machine. She's tall, with plum colored hair, glasses, and a British accent.
4) The sixth grade spelling competition in which I finished second still haunts me. How could I misspell "hypothesis"?
5) Whenever I pay for something with exact change, I worry that the cashier will judge me persnickety. At these times, I usually stare silenty at the floor without looking at the person's face.
6) While watching television, I imagine that I'm a character in the show. By the way, I once hinted to Kristin Shepard that she shoot J.R. (I didn't think she'd go through with it), I'm best friends with Norm after I helped him with his bar tab, and the FBI agents on Without a Trace have yet to find me.
7) I like making weird faces at people when stopped at a red light. I especially like doing this towards small children, because I think it scares them. Indeed, one actually cried once.
8) I hide money under the cushions and in cereal boxes so I can surprise myself with money I didn't know I had.
9) Seeing the police incites fear that I'll be arrested, even when I haven't committed a crime.
10) I can't stop thinking about new ways to arrange my furniture. Several hours a day are devoted to thinking about this, yet I haven't rearranged my furniture in a few years.
11) I once began putting a skylight in my apartment, but then realized my neighbors above might not appreciate it.
12) I think if you're flying from Los Angeles to Tokyo, it'd be easier to take off and fly straight up in the air and hover above until the earth rotates so that Tokyo is below you. Then you can land.
2) All the food in my cabinets and refrigerator is positioned in straight lines with the labels facing outward. It takes longer to create this order than it does to buy the actual groceries.
3) I dream about the girl whose voice provides the message on my answering machine. She's tall, with plum colored hair, glasses, and a British accent.
4) The sixth grade spelling competition in which I finished second still haunts me. How could I misspell "hypothesis"?
5) Whenever I pay for something with exact change, I worry that the cashier will judge me persnickety. At these times, I usually stare silenty at the floor without looking at the person's face.
6) While watching television, I imagine that I'm a character in the show. By the way, I once hinted to Kristin Shepard that she shoot J.R. (I didn't think she'd go through with it), I'm best friends with Norm after I helped him with his bar tab, and the FBI agents on Without a Trace have yet to find me.
7) I like making weird faces at people when stopped at a red light. I especially like doing this towards small children, because I think it scares them. Indeed, one actually cried once.
8) I hide money under the cushions and in cereal boxes so I can surprise myself with money I didn't know I had.
9) Seeing the police incites fear that I'll be arrested, even when I haven't committed a crime.
10) I can't stop thinking about new ways to arrange my furniture. Several hours a day are devoted to thinking about this, yet I haven't rearranged my furniture in a few years.
11) I once began putting a skylight in my apartment, but then realized my neighbors above might not appreciate it.
12) I think if you're flying from Los Angeles to Tokyo, it'd be easier to take off and fly straight up in the air and hover above until the earth rotates so that Tokyo is below you. Then you can land.
posted by Anonymous at 6:44 PM
5 Comments:
I LOVE number 8!!! Good idea.
I LOVE number 8 - good idea!!!
Funny writing.
I LOVE number 8 - good idea!!!
Funny writing.
Hysterically funny!
YOU are the comdedic genuis.
Why don't you put this on the other blog as well.
Write more!
This is great. I always said that Fred should write a book, and now I think that you should collaborate with him. Perhaps it should be a book of lists.
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